its you and me... against the world of the unruly!

my newfound strength

(Friday, June 22, 2007/9:42 AM)

assalammualaikkum all.

today's a friday. and friday's an appropriate day to muhasabah for the things that we've done over the week.

today i'm about to let go of some pain that i've kept for some time, not having the courage to move away from it.

today marks the day that i vow to move on..

dear adeq.. i'll move on with you. ~real time~

it goes off like this..

when he shared his story, i felt him. suddenly i was in the past. ~time capsule~

the pain was real. i was sobbing teribbly. i felt as if something was wrenching my heart dry.. the feeling was not a good one, really.

for the fact that i dried up my tear ducts for this reason.. i didnt know how i found the strength to live within that pain. but i did.

i lived in self inflicted pain for about 4 years. yes. four phucken long years.

i didnt have to courage to move on. i compared him with whoeva came into my life.

i was in self denial all the times. i told myself i didnt love him anymore. but i hanged on to the fact that i could be with him still.

in fact, i was still dying to let him explain himself cos the last time when he phunked me.. i left him hi and dry! i didnt even wanna take a second look at that sorry face of his.

the moment i see him amongst my existing social circle of friends.. i see myself with him.. ALL OVER AGAIN.. i played with that sick idea still. why? cos i felt him.

i felt his touch. i smelt his scent. i picture his smile. i long for his care.

yeah, for the fact that i was about to get engaged once upon a time ago. till the moment that i found out that he phunked?

parents was dragged into the picture, although i felt that it was unnecessary.

i still have it very clear in my head that his mom teared and passed out when i swore i wont step into that 'house full of memories'. to the fact that i didnt have a mom and i felt that his momma showered me with a love of a mom that i've ceased to have when momma passed on..

four long years have passed and i met this young gentleman, whom i loved like my own.

yesterday i saw and heard him fight his tears. different scenario. same pain.

you see lil bro, sometimes for whatever that we've done. we've gotta face the trials and tribulations that comes with it. its called qada' and qadar. and its a fact that we have to live and breathe with.

i've heard that you screwed up one time. but hey, that does not mean that you're not remorseful with things? what else was the thing that you didnt do? go dwn to sujud for forgiveness? for something that you should feel even wrong or guilty about?

along which line that you were in the wrong? for the fact that you're getting to know someone that was so much worthy of you and 'hats off to that young lady' who didnt had the courage to fight for my adeq'.. you'ld have gotten a green light from this sis of yours ya know.. but hey, if its meant to be.. its meant to be darling.. its called fate..

adeq.. filial piety should be done up with the same account. for wateva that was shared to me yesterday, i felt there's a whole lotta selfishness going on there. as parents, they've could have done better than get stuck on staying with sides. so tell me which part of it was whacking them real hard? for the fact that they've lost a perfect candidate for their own?

hey sayang, your pain was a lil fraction of what i went through, in true terms.

hey sayang, i cried in front of you because i havent moved on totally.. and perhaps you have been the missing piece of the puzzle that Allah is giving up to me to move on..

dear loved one..

with that. on this very fateful Friday... i vow to move on.

i'll hold ya hand to stride alongside you. we'll both move towards betterness of self.

nuff said.. ~now the eyes are starting to brim with tears~

i love you. and with that i'll shield you from pain. and that vow is real.

to those who've been with me through this portion in life.. i thank thee.

to those who've chanced upon this blog.. pls learn from my lessons in life.

to one whom i'm dating rite now, you've now known why.

a special mention for dja and bestie.. pls pray hard for me.. and snap me out if i get carried away into negativity in life. i cant afford it anymore..

posted by yournamehere. murder me? | 0 murdered me.